


He tasted like apple flavored tea and regret (and I kissed him anyway)

by DorkPatroller (Lilmissprine)



Series: (and I kissed him anyway) [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Drunk Sex, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, but its pretty consensual, just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-15 16:38:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7230319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilmissprine/pseuds/DorkPatroller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time they had sex Dwyer knew Shigure was lying to him but he hoped he was telling the truth. </p><p>The last time they had sex Dwyer thought Shigure was telling the truth, but hoped that he was lying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He tasted like apple flavored tea and regret (and I kissed him anyway)

The first time it happened was the worst time it happened. Dwyer hadn't known to brace himself for the inevitable. He hadn't put up a wall to protect himself. It was also the best time it happened. Dwyer was _ignorant_ to the inevitable.

Dwyer's father worked as a butler in a wealthy household. Dwyer supposed some people may be surprised there were even households wealthy enough to _need_ those services, nowadays. He had been raised around it, and it had never been anything but normal. Jakob worked in the service of a man he called Lord Corrin—however Dwyer didn't think he could _actually_ be nobility. Then again, he wasn't from this country. Maybe he was.

Dwyer was born about six months before Lord Corrin's son. His wife, Lady Azura, had always suggested that Dwyer should be one of her son's closest friends. Jakob had none of it. He insisted that Dwyer was not worthy of that sort of friendship. Dwyer didn't understand as a child. As a young adult, he still hardly understood. All he knew was that he wasn't good enough, according to his father, to spend time with Shigure.

Maybe that was why he accepted that role, and stepped into it whole-heartedly. Never living up to his father's expectations made Dwyer learn young that he had no reason to really try. The few times he did try it was only to prove he _could do it_. If he could best his father at a task it infuriated him, made him feel bad about himself that his son could beat him, but... Well deep down, Dwyer could also see a hint of pride. It was a rare sight, to see Jakob _proud of his son_.

Shigure was the son Jakob wished Dwyer could be. He excelled at so many things (and actually tried). He took weekly voice lessons, he sang like a dream. He was an artist, often with his artwork on display in galleries. He had perfect posture and was tall and _perfect_. To look at him, he looked _exactly_ like he crawled out of a fairy tale. Dwyer had spent his whole life being compared to him. He didn't mind.

It wasn't Shigure's fault.

In fact... As children, Shigure had always been very compassionate about it. In spite of Jakob's insistence that Dwyer not be raised alongside him, eventually Azura suggested that he be her son's Gentleman in Waiting. Tasked when they were just near 10 years old with helping Shigure to dress, to bathe, to work, and to bring him his meals... well they got to know each other.

Dwyer was more optimistic when he was a child. Shigure would ask him about his day and he actually told him about it. He thought he cared. Shigure would smile and despite the fact that Dwyer was supposed to be helping him with long division they would draw tic-tac-toe boards and _play_. It was almost like a normal friendship.

Except Dwyer had never met any of Shigure's real friends. Well—excluding one. Once he met a young woman—and her name escaped him—with gorgeous red hair and precise posture and punctuality. He brought her tea and she added sugar without tasting it first. Afterwards she implied the fruity brew was too sweet. Shigure agreed with her, and asked for Dwyer to bring them something else.

It was Shigure's favorite blend.

Dwyer supposed that was the day he fully understood that he and Shigure weren't really friends. They were servant and master.

Dwyer did not spend all of his time living in Shigure's shadow. He woke up each morning before the sun to prepare his breakfast. He stood in the kitchen with his father, who antagonized every move he made, and he prepared a light meal that he knew Shigure would enjoy. He brought him the same blend of tea that he'd always liked, but every time he looked at it part of him wanted to pour sugar into it. He brought Shigure his breakfast and set it on a tray beside his bed, and while Shigure woke up with flawless skin and nearly un-mussed hair Dwyer put together his clothes for the day. He gave Shigure any news he had been asked to pass along, and he waited until he was dismissed.

Once he was dismissed he was free until evening.

Once he was dismissed Dwyer left behind the weird, old-style world that he lived in. He changed into black jeans and a grey hooded sweatshirt that swallowed him up. He slipped out of the servant's quarters and left behind the mansion and the black iron fence and the topiary garden and he slunk onto a city bus that took him far away. His phone played music as loud as he could stand it and he closed his eyes and he wondered if it would be such a crime to fall asleep.

His life exhausted him. Constantly being 'never enough', that was. There was a time, he supposed, when he thought it was horrible. Now there were times that he wished he could go back to that simplicity. If being 'never enough' was his only problem, he would have had it good.

There was a night when Dwyer was up, laying in his bed and scrolling through senseless pages on the internet. Passing the time because he couldn't sleep. He could never sleep at night, not when he napped the whole day through. That night was pivotal. It changed his life, forever, and it started with a buzz of his phone. A pop up on his screen that interrupted his focus. A text message, and it said

_Come pikk me up_

Dwyer didn't know the number. He didn't know who it was, or what it meant. He assumed it was an accident. He swiped his thumb across the screen and ignored it. Fifteen minutes later his phone buzzed again.

_dwyer please i know ur awake_

He knew then he couldn't ignore it. It turned out to be Shigure. He didn't know when Shigure had learned his phone number or why he felt the need to text him, but he knew he couldn't leave him alone. He found out that Shigure wasn't in the house. It was almost startling, all things considered. He had gone to a party, invited by one of his more rebellious friends. Dwyer didn't know that Shigure had rebellious friends. Dwyer didn't know Shigure had the balls to sneak out of his parent's house.

Dwyer on the other hand, had no trouble sneaking out. He took the keys to his father's car and he backed out of the private lot the servants shared and he didn't turn on the headlights until he was safely on the road.

Drunk Shigure was still perfect, by all appearances. A flush on his cheeks and a few stray hairs out of place really was the only indication something was wrong. He didn't slur his speech or smell like the shots he had been putting back all evening. When he stood up Dwyer saw that he was imperfect. It felt good, he thought, to see Shigure stumble over his own feet. Dwyer sidled up next to him, he wrapped his arm around Shigure's middle to support him, and Shigure dropped his arm around Dwyer's shoulder.

“I can always count on you.” Shigure said to him, once they were situated in Jakob's car. Dwyer was surprised by the sentence, and the honesty, because he had been more focused on whether or not Shigure was going to throw up in his father's car—and if he would be able to clean it without Jakob's notice. But he said it, and if Dwyer didn't _know_ his master was drunk he may have thought it was completely genuine.

“It's my job, I guess.” He said to end the silence that stretched on after that sentence. But Shigure had none of it.

“No, truly. You are always there for me, Dwyer. Every day you care for me. No one knows me better.”

Shigure didn't throw up in the car, and for that Dwyer was thankful. The biggest challenge was getting the stumbling young man to his room. Shigure's foot caught on an entryway table once, and the quiet hallway echoed with the scuff of wood scooting across wood. Dwyer thought they would be caught. They weren't.

When they went to Shigure's room Dwyer helped him to undress. He helped him step out of his pants and peel off his shirt, and he meant to stand up and find him a set of pajamas to sleep in. He was already planning to bring him a different blend of tea in the morning, to chase away his hangover. He thought he might be able to be discreet about it, if he tried. When he leaned up Shigure pulled him down with force that was wildly unexpected.

Dwyer crashed down onto Shigure, on the bed. His chest practically bounced off of Shigure's. At first he thought it was a harmless accident. Instead Shigure lifted up his arm and dropped it over Dwyer's shoulders. He raised his face and he kissed his lips.

Dwyer was stupider back then. When he should have pushed Shigure away and ran from the room he let him touch him. He let Shigure swirl his tongue in his mouth and it tasted like alcohol. He slumped against him, he was so warm and comfortable (better than any empty bed could have been), and Shigure pulled at the clothes he wore. Not his uniform—just street clothes—and he swiped the shirt over Dwyer's head.

Shigure told him that he trusted him. Dwyer thought it was a lie brought on by the alcohol. He pushed him hard into the pillows and kissed him until his mouth was numb, and Dwyer didn't even complain when he bit too hard on his neck, or when he left a red welt by his nipple. Shigure took things a little too fast, but Dwyer supposed he was thankful he at least tried to show some sort of patience in his inebriated state. Dwyer was nervous when Shigure pushed back on his thigh, and he felt out of control when his knee was hooked over his shoulder. Never scared, though. He didn't want him to stop.

Dwyer had never done this before, but he'd had plenty of experience watching and reading it. Maybe that was why he was optimistic that, in spite of the initial discomfort, it would get better. At first it didn't. Eventually it did. Movements that used to be jarring faded into something more desirable. His hips lifted off of the bed. Shigure kissed him breathless and pinned back his wrists and fucked him hard and Dwyer came without being stroked and without restraint. When Shigure was spent he fell over him, and he passed out. For a long time Dwyer just lay there underneath him. His chest heaved and his body was sweaty and he felt like he was suffocating under the dead weight of Shigure.

He made the mistake of being optimistic the first time it happened, and that was why it hurt the most. Come morning he ignored the judgmental voice of his father, scolding him for being so disheveled and moving slower. He took Shigure his breakfast and tea and by the time he got back to that room Shigure had already gotten himself up. He'd stripped the sheets and bathed and worst of all he acted like _nothing had happened_. He said “Good morning, Dwyer.”

It happened more than once. Dwyer didn't know if Shigure drank because he hated himself or because he hated his parents, but those were the only reasons anyone ever drank over in movies and so it must have been true. Eventually he had saved his number to his phone, but Dwyer didn't dare send Shigure text messages outside of 'okay'. Each time he drank he asked to be picked up, and each time he brought Shigure back to his room Dwyer made the same mistakes.

Eventually he started doing it on purpose.

It wasn't real. Shigure would line up their mouths and whisper about how beautiful Dwyer was, and Dwyer would bite Shigure's lip and dare him to keep going. Shigure would lovingly peel away Dwyer's clothes, he would always aim to please him, but every time Dwyer ended up with his legs twisted around Shigure's waist he knew it was a lie.

It was comfortable. His touches weren't real, but they were affectionate. Shigure never talked about it, never blushed about it, and eventually Dwyer learned to put on a mask too. The true problem wasn't the mask. The problem was how he felt behind it.

He knew he had fucked up bad when he was in the park. His music was playing and he was lazing on a bench and scrolling through bad vines and he looked up from his phone to see a man drop to one knee. It was disgusting and cliché. He pulled out a ring and she covered her mouth and they both hugged each other. Some people cheered. Other's congratulated them. Some just watched. Dwyer thought it was nice enough at first. Then he imagined what it would be like if Shigure were to ask to marry _him_.

And then he knew he had fucked up. He didn't know where down the line it had gotten out of control but it must have been, because he wanted to marry Shigure. At first he tried to pass it off as just a silly thought. He watched a vine about a dog six times without really watching it before he realized the gravity of his situation.

Dwyer was in love.

He loved the way Shigure drew gentle fingers down his skin—just barely calloused from plucking violin strings—and he loved the way his mouth felt hot and warm. He loved the way he smiled when he was drawing. He loved the hue of his eyes and the taste of his skin and the way he said his name. He loved the smiles he offered Dwyer when he surprised him with his favorite cookies. He loved the way he always said Dwyer was remarkable—and when he said it sometimes Dwyer believed it.

But none of it was real. They were all empty words to motivate an employee. That's all Dwyer was—one of the many services available to Shigure.

The last time it happened Dwyer got scared. Shigure touched him more than normal, lasted longer than normal, didn't pass out afterwards. He rolled to the side, he pulled Dwyer closer to him and he combed his fingers through his light brown hair.

He said “I love you, Dwyer.”

Dwyer panicked. Hearing those words out loud was scary, because it was all a lie. Their relationship was a lie, full of compliments that Shigure never meant and affections that were never offered outside of drunken affairs. So he left. Shigure asked where he was going and Dwyer shook his head and said “I don't believe you.” He didn't sleep in Shigure's bed, he scooped his clothes off the floor and ran down the hallway--clumsy and naked in the wee hours of the morning. He locked himself in his room, he rested his back against the door. His chest heaved. Cooled cum slipped down the inside of his thigh. His life was out of control. He cried.

The morning routine was different the next day. Jakob scolded him for being tardy, but Dwyer didn't care. Jakob seemed to catch on to something different about him. He said “Are you quite alright?” and Dwyer thought it was sort of nice of him. His father had always had strange ways of showing affection, a strict and tough love, but at least it was real. It was genuine.

“I love you, dad.”

“Pardon?”

He picked up Shigure's tray of food and made his way up to his room. When he got inside Shigure wasn't waiting with his usual good morning. He was standing, pacing by the window of his room. Dwyer was quiet. Shigure sighed in relief.

“You're here.”

“Good Morning, Shigure.”

Shigure walked closer. Dwyer set the tray down on the table. Shigure lifted his hand like he was going to hold Dwyer's face. How could he do that? It didn't make sense. That was drunk Shigure, not _real_ Shigure. Dwyer caught his wrist before he got there. “Don't.”

“Dwyer.” Shigure breathed it out like he was the air that kept him alive. He lowered his hand and Dwyer let it go, and he reached into the back pocket of his uniform. From there he pulled out an envelope, and he extended it to the other man. “What is this?” He asked, and he turned it over in his hands. “Can this wait? Dwyer we need to talk about this.”

“Resignation.” He tried once, but succeeded the second time. “It's my letter of resignation. I quit.”

Dwyer couldn't remember a time when Shigure's eyes looked more hurt than that. They widened first, shock initially, but then realization and concern set in. He held the letter closer to his chest, both hands holding the one envelope. Dwyer sort of wished he'd let Shigure touch his skin with those hands after all.

“Why?”

“It's in the letter.”

“I see.” Shigure swallowed and Dwyer looked anywhere but his eyes. “Can I convince you to stay, Dwyer? What will you do? Does your father know?”

“No.” To all of it. He didn't bother answering the questions. He hadn't figured much out. All he knew was he had an account with all of his checks in it and a metro pass.

“Dwyer, please, I...”

“Your tea is getting cold.” He blurted. “Goodbye, Shigure.”

“Goodbye, Dwyer.”

Dwyer didn't leave a note for Jakob because there was no reason to. He packed up what he cared about and he left. He sat on the seat of the city bus with his hood up and his eyes glued to his phone. Every time it rang he ignored it, ignored his father. Eventually Jakob texted him, and Dwyer told him he was alive, and fine, and he would call him later. Later being when he figured out where he was going. With what he had he could make a few down payments. Get a small place, get the water and electric turned on. He would have to find a job, but he didn't think it would be too hard. He leaned his head against the glass and looked out the window, and he watched the yellow lines that marked the street whiz by.

 

_Shigure-_

_I can't work for you anymore._

_I'm going away. I haven't decided where yet. I'll be okay. You will too._

_You told me you loved me but I don't believe you. I don't believe any of the things you say to me. I think I feel guilty for using you, too. It wasn't all your fault. I shouldn't have kissed you back._

_I don't want to listen to you lie anymore._

_Please don't tell my dad about us._

_I love you, I think._

 

_Goodbye._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna come back and add a second part to this au eventually but in the mean time that's all folks.
> 
> Can like more people write shigure/dwyer because they are both in all three games and quite pretty boys soooo????


End file.
